Grad School and Cheese Cake

Philosophers always feel the need to name their books two seemingly different things connected by some sort of primitive bond. Being and nothingness, Being and time, naming and necessity, language and logic...

I was looking at possible grad schools today. I have a list of about 25, some I don't think I can get into and some I might be able to get into. Even though I am on the brink of applying I do not really know if this is what I want to do with myself. I was talking to my hs history teacher and he told me that I should be passionate about something. I was thinking about that for a while and I choose philosophy I decided to be passionate about that. It is very funny to think that someone chooses something to be passionate about something, it doesn't seem to really work that way. One should stumble over something like passion, come to the realization that one is passionate, as opposed to making it a goal. Sometimes I really think that I really want to go to grad school, spend another 7 years of my life in school. Learning all there is about philosophy. But other times I don't fell as if I can do it. I don't feel as if I am up to the task, I do not think that I am smart enough. So I convince myself that I do not want it. It is much easier to fail at something that you do not want. If you constantly set yourself up for disappointment you are bound to have a rather pleasant life albeit one lacking in passion.

Perhaps I have just grown tired of philosophy. The seemingly meaningless discussions of identity and reality. When I was younger I so much wanted to know who I was, and now I think I do. I think I see myself for what I am with all my flaws and I am more comfortable with that now than I have ever been. Part of that is the realization that I am not smart enough. So be it, but that does not stop me from trying to gain what I do not deserve.

I had coffee and combination brunch/dinner at my favorite coffee house in Oxford. Every time I am in there I want to buy this cheesecake thing but I never do because I can never justify spending money on something like that. This time I got it and it was a complete and utter disappointment. Sometimes when you want something like that the build up is much more that the thing itself is worth. Sometimes the mere fact that you desire it makes it seem much more than it deserves to be desired. As life goes on it seems that a lot of things turn out that way.

Sometime things turn out exactly how you though they would. Oxford certainly did, but than you have to worry about self fulfilling prophecies..

Movies

I went to this old movie theater last night to see 'Funny Games US.' The only cash register was outside in an old booth and when I got there I didn't see anyone. Just as I was about to leave I see someone climbing down this metal ladder right next to the booth. He was a rotund Indian man. I almost felt as if I should ask him if they played Bollywood movies, but I doubt they do, even though they should. Besides it wouldn't have been pc.
The movie theater was a large room with some broken down chairs in the middle. Most were oriented towards the screen that seemed to require a good washing. It reminded me of the turbine at the Tate. There was an eerie smell of popcorn, which would not normally seem strange but none was on sale. The theater itself was deplorable, broken down, uncomfortable seats, a whirling noise. I was there early so I sat down waiting for the movie to begin. Nobody else came in. I was alone in this amazing theater.
The movie was a tour de force of sadism and horror, very fitting for the setting. As I left I felt the need to avoid everyone I met in the 'bad' side of Oxford.
The theater I usually go to has nice films playing and it is fairly comfortable. They have popcorn and beer and anything else you would expect from a movie theater. They also have a bar that has an open mic night every thursday. Its a nice yuppie place. The theater that I went looked as if it had been there since they started making movies. Originally movie theaters were a big deal. Simply to buy the equipment justified constructing a building to compete with an opera house. Even now when you go to the newer movie theaters there is a sense of majesty. Yet, in the golden age of cinema theaters were something to behold. The one I went to wasn't one of those. It was something that existed fro the sole purpose of showing movies. It shows a lot of different movies every week, I would like to see their archives. The grandiose theaters of the past sought to entertain before even seeing the film, they lacked the substance. The films of the era were able to enchant people merely with moving people and corny love story now thy have to work for it.
I like movies about how movies used to be. I like the idea that you did not need to do too much with the film to capture an audience. There is something so beautiful about grinding some down with aesthetic cliches. But not diving beyond the service of a film grows boring quickly. It becomes predictable and eventually hilarious. Something like Indi 4 uses the every idea of a cliche to poke fun at itself. Yet, these cliches once meant something. Also with the proliferation of tv the formulas that used to work, well became formulas. Once you are bale to quantify something it losses its charm. It is understandable and predictable. That is not to say that something that has these qualities is not charming in a different way. 300 for example used every trick in the book to work its way into the hearts of thousands and it was very successful in its endeavor because it was exactly what you were expecting.
Yet, when art becomes formalized it fails to force you to revaluate your perspective of the world, which at least in my humble opinion is the only benefit of art (there are also some societal benefits to art but that is a different matter). Without art making us realize more it becomes merely entertainment. Yet, sometimes it is not the art that changes us it is the place we see it or other such auxiliaries. Theaters were once art and now they have become soulless places. The theater I went to wasn't soulless, the ghost is still in the machine.

Enough absinthe can crush your spirit to the bone

the best meal i ever had


because

Reflecting and Reminiscing

It seems appropriate to reflect back on my time traveling now that I've had a little distance from it. I must admit that I don't like that I am back if I could just travel from place to place like I did I don't think I would. it would also make me a much more social person.

Here is the list of where I went, roughly, this break:

London
Barcelona
Granada
Malaga
Cordoba
Seville
Madrid
Barcelona
Zurich
Vienna
Baden
Salzburg
Zurich
Paris
Amsterdam
Munich
Salzburg
Geneva
Zurich
Vienna
Venice
Florence
Rome

My favorite city was perhaps Barcelona but I look most forward to returning to Rome. I began at some point, rather early on, to judge cities by the ones I would most like to live in. I thought to my self that I should by a house here and right a book, or this is a good place to grow old, or that I would like to live here and have a job here. Each city had a different personality, one I felt you could grasp rather quickly. There was a certain vibe that did not really delve into the city's soul but there was something there that you felt was unique to that city after only spending a few hours there.
Traveling like I did was very freeing, but I see how it would rather quickly lose its charm. There was a certain sense that once I entered a new lace it wasn't as special as it would have been had I not have been traveling through so much. The constant barrage of stimuli cause reduced sensitivity and all that fun stuff.
Yet, what I found most attractive was the idea that I wouldn't be spending any more than two days in any one place and I had to see what was worth seeing. I was forcing myself to do stuff because I was there and it seemed a waste if I didn't do certain stuff. At the same time I didn't feel like a tourist that had a bucket list. I spent plenty of time in coffee shops reading the Herald Tribune. Everything was exiting and new with a sense of urgency and a sense of purpose. Perhaps that was the most important part of it all that I had a sense of purpose that was rather defined. I tend to avoid having that in my life, goals purposes. Perhaps I should start is seems a useful psychological tool, but at the same time I don't want to feel as if I'm leading myself around in neat little circles.
This is the third go at this, and it seems best to finally end this blog entry. Essentially travel is nice. Having a place to go to is nice. Life should be a mixture of new experiences and the the comfort of old. When new experiences are comforting you are done for.

Venice

I love Venice i really do its the second time I've been here and if it hadn't been for my train ticket ending tomorrow I would have spent more time here just to walk around. Every where you turn there is something absolutely amazing. I didn't realize before how much Muslim influence there is here.

Anyway as exited I am to stay here I'm ready to head back and start studying again. I feel like I've neglected my studies. I also have come to the conclusion that I need to work on my writing more.

I didn't bring my ipod or laptop on this trip so I've been feeling a little deprived. I've started thinking of what I'm going to to when I get back to Oxford. I have a meeting with my tutor at 1 after that I'm going to buy some kielbasi and sauerkraut and a nice big bottle of Leffe the one that looks like a champagne. I'm going to eat that while listing to Rachmaninoff and than I'm going to play some pool and have some absinthe. And maybe go to Bridge maybe...

Salzburg... again

showers and clean underware are definitly over-rated

also any time you are in a place and its six a clock and nothing is open you know you are in austruia

i´m looking foward to my second mc clean

i am taking the same train for the same time, and its a horrible train... but hopefully not as bad as the stuggart-paris train

i miss billiards

stuff

i don't belive in sudden changes, even seemingly sudden changes are prompted by a lot of background, nothing is ever trully spontateouse and anything that is slowely readjusts, this is arguably absurdly broad but i am trying to apply it to different parts of life, it applies to civilzations, cultures, and of course personal life, perhaps the most famous formulation of this idea is Aristotle's Golden Mean, the idea of everything in moderation, this idea existed in many different forms in many different views of life, the stoics to which i feel most of a kindred, belived in an inner sense of moderadiot as opposed to our actions, we can do whatever we want as long as we are able to undergo internal calm or whatever the or whatever the word they used was, i agree that as long as we have an internal calm we can do whatever the hell we want if it gets us off heel it is wrong, if we feel alieanted from ourself it is wrong, mental illness is not wrong because society does not accept the behaviors of the ill but it is when they are not at peace with themselves

there is that quote in my profile from hesse which was meant to describe people later in life but i feel it applies to me as well, as do many angsty teens, no matter how much you learn you change the scenery there is the internal facet that ahs to be dealt with differently and none of that stuff matters as long as the internal stuff is in order (stoics), i had a friend that moed to settle for a year because he was in a rut but it wasn't until he found his fiance, in upstate ny where he was originally living, did he come out of that rut, its not a matter of where you move what you see or what you learn that will bring peace real peace to yourself, but its how you approach those things, how you take care of the internal world, and in turn that will color everything external

i like to travel alone because other people slow me down and i have to put what i want second, but perhaps i am wrong in dismissing people so quickly, thing only seem real when you tell them to someone else so that they have some existence outside of yourself, this is the type of bullshit that i laugh when i read because it is bullshit, its not something you write about but simply something you come to realize, perphase because i am feeling a bit pretentious its like a zen saying that you don't get until you do