Grad School and Cheese Cake

Philosophers always feel the need to name their books two seemingly different things connected by some sort of primitive bond. Being and nothingness, Being and time, naming and necessity, language and logic...

I was looking at possible grad schools today. I have a list of about 25, some I don't think I can get into and some I might be able to get into. Even though I am on the brink of applying I do not really know if this is what I want to do with myself. I was talking to my hs history teacher and he told me that I should be passionate about something. I was thinking about that for a while and I choose philosophy I decided to be passionate about that. It is very funny to think that someone chooses something to be passionate about something, it doesn't seem to really work that way. One should stumble over something like passion, come to the realization that one is passionate, as opposed to making it a goal. Sometimes I really think that I really want to go to grad school, spend another 7 years of my life in school. Learning all there is about philosophy. But other times I don't fell as if I can do it. I don't feel as if I am up to the task, I do not think that I am smart enough. So I convince myself that I do not want it. It is much easier to fail at something that you do not want. If you constantly set yourself up for disappointment you are bound to have a rather pleasant life albeit one lacking in passion.

Perhaps I have just grown tired of philosophy. The seemingly meaningless discussions of identity and reality. When I was younger I so much wanted to know who I was, and now I think I do. I think I see myself for what I am with all my flaws and I am more comfortable with that now than I have ever been. Part of that is the realization that I am not smart enough. So be it, but that does not stop me from trying to gain what I do not deserve.

I had coffee and combination brunch/dinner at my favorite coffee house in Oxford. Every time I am in there I want to buy this cheesecake thing but I never do because I can never justify spending money on something like that. This time I got it and it was a complete and utter disappointment. Sometimes when you want something like that the build up is much more that the thing itself is worth. Sometimes the mere fact that you desire it makes it seem much more than it deserves to be desired. As life goes on it seems that a lot of things turn out that way.

Sometime things turn out exactly how you though they would. Oxford certainly did, but than you have to worry about self fulfilling prophecies..