End of Term reminiscing

My first term is over next week. Two papers to write by than. It is amazing how quickly the time has gone by. I do not feel as if I have really experienced England, which is entirely my fault. During the break I am going to Vienna to see my Aunt, Uncle and cousins. Two small cousins that I have not seen in a couple years. The older one, Adrian is apparently mischievous. The last time I saw him, about 5 years back, he was this blond headed blue eyed kid. I use to walk with him on my shoulders. It was fun he liked me. Every-time we talked on the phone after that he has always seemed in awe of me. The other one, Marius, was a baby when I last saw him. Sweet kid. My Aunt has always had a special place in her heart for me. She is my mother's sister and I was the first born. There seems to be something about the first born, and apparently I was a cute baby. The cuteness has worn off. She is an interesting woman, a pianist following in my grandfather's footsteps, who turned to medicine and now has given that up to work with computers. My uncle has been in medical school for about the last 15 years, its seems that almost every season he has to pass a new test. He wants to become a psychologist. Vienna is undoubtedly the place for it.
After Paris I think Vienna is my favorite city in Europe, considering how few cities I have been to that does not mean very much. Vienna has a certain air of majesty about it. Paris seems like an enchanted place, and London like a bookkeeper's paradise.
I will also be going to Brasov my hometown. It is a beautiful, beautiful city and I am proud to have been born there. It is a poor city with a history of industry that has disappeared in recent times. I will be seeing my grandmother there, not to mention the hordes of relatives whose names I don't remember. It sad, they are so proud of me and I don't even know their names, nor to be quite honest do I really care. Family has never been a big draw for me, an accident of birth. My grandmother is a very Christian Orthodox woman, like catholic but less groveling and more intellectual disparaging. She considers herself an intellectual and is very elitist in that way. Anyway it should be interesting if nothing else. I haven't shaved since I left the states should I should awe my cousins even more, hah.

I have been thinking about my next vacation. It will be in the spring. I think I am going to by a Euro rail pass and travel around Europe. I will probably buy the most expansive one and just go from place to place as the whim strikes. Its not something I would think myself doing, but it seems the thing to do. There are several places I want to go to and others places where I ought to go. I defiantly want to go to the big ones, ie. France, Italy, Spain, Amsterdam but there are also spots that I feel as if I need to visit. I think I should go to the Somme, and to Auschwitz. The gas-houses at Auschwitz are sinking in to the ground, and they will soon be gone.
When I was younger, in middle school, I wen through a Nazi period. I read so much about that time, all the secrete organizations, the SS, SA, SD, Gestapo, about Himmler, Heydrich, Mengele all of that shit. I was and remain mystified how something like that could have happened, what I would have done. I am the introspective sort, a complete narcissist so it is always about me. I asked myself could I have stood up, would I have done anything. I know the answer, I would have done nothing, look at what is happening in Darfur, what have I done? Thrown some money in a tin can, listened to some insipid speeches? What good? No I don't care, it is to far removed from my life. I remember a while back, long before the hip to care about Darfur, reading about this 13 year old girl that was raped an murdered by soldiers on her birthday. Anecdotal stories like that make you hurt, until you move on to the next horrible thing. In some ways there are simply too many things to care about that it seems wrong to care about anything too much. That is of course no excuse to remain paralyzed. It is so very hard to imagine other people's pain, as Elaine Scarry has eloquently pointed out, we cannot imagine what it means to live in that sort of environment. In principle we know that there is someplace out there that someone is suffering, but we see, distracted by something like the price of gas. To abstract from our immediate existence is almost impossible for some people. Not to mention that issues such as Darfur, are over there. How do we help? Throw some money in a tin? Its almost like carbon offsets, we purchase clarity of mind. Some how that seems too contrived, too easy. All the while another 13 year old girl gets raped....

I want to go the Somme because of what it represents. My thoughts on war revel some of my flagrant internal contradictions. Something like the Somme reveals the very worst of war, but something like the beginning of WWII demonstrates the very worst of fearing war. Violence is never the answer until it is the answer. I like the idea of non-violence, I really do. I think it is very effective in protesting governmental wrongs. I do not see how it would work against someone like Hitler. I do not see how it would work against someone intent on doing harm. It is a fine choice to make for yourself, but when you make the choice you are condemning people to suffer who shouldn't. I was against the war in Afghanistan, I was one of the few. I believe that in many instances diplomacy does work. But it is so very hard to relay on it when you have the ability fight. I do not want to be Chamberlain with the Treaty of Munich in my hand, but I do not W either. When do you determine when violence is correct? It seems absurd to say it is never correct, but when it is a possibility we turn to it too soon. When is it right to fight? What is worth fighting for? Some situations you are forced to fight because the other person is so intent on fighting. The ghetto in Warsaw should have rebelled. That situation is very clear cut to me. If ever any rebellion was justified that one was. But the Somme, how do you justify something like that? It is so absurdly silly to think of two groups of people pelting each others with billions of tons of metal. To what end? When is it right to fight? when every other option is exhausted. When is that? How do you know? How much are you willing to risk? I am willing to say that I do not want to fight ever, but when I make that choice do I not condemn others to the same fate? If I were in the Warsaw ghetto would I have found a spot an lit myself on fire? No, would I have fought? I hope the answer to that is yes. Nonviolence requires more courage than violence, but you too often condemn others to a fate of your choosing. As the incomparable Churchill, or perhaps Burke said (and various others) "All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing." But we should be careful to judge to quickly, but again we need to act, now.

I have this friend that went to Settle for a year to dig himself out of a ditch. He went there hoping that it would revitalize him. I maintained that he would simple bring the ditch with him. A year later he was back. We had a falling out (over my emotional inadequacies or something). The other day I noticed he go engaged, to this girl that he has been dating for less than a year. She is a singer whit hopes of becoming a librarian. Lives in Albany. He moved there from New Platz. It seems strange to decide to spend the rest of your life with some one so very quickly. But than again he was always very romantic, and Catholic. It is nice to see him engaged. I know that he will do well for himself, he is a very smart guy.

I have been thinking about my graduate school today. I think I will finish my undergraduate having taken more philosophy classes than most people. This year, in which I am taking nothing but philosophy classes, will not count towards my major allowing me to take up to 8 philosophy classes when I return to my school. Yet, I do not feel as if I know anywhere near enough to begin teaching in the next couple years. I will probably spend the next 10 years of my life in graduate programs trying to learn enough to be able to marginalize myself. I will undoubtedly end up teaching philosophy at some mediocre school. Is that what I really want out of life, to become self absorbed via philosophy? Philosophy is both a curse and a blessing. I love it, but it will ruin my life.

If you have not yet seen The Darjeeling Limited I highly recommend it. The film is life many other Wes Anderson films but what is very striking here, even more so than in the Life Aquatic is the colors. The colors are simply stunning. I there are films I love which are devoid of color i.g. most Bergman, Godard, and Kurosawa films but I love some films that simply radiate color. I love the scene in Vover when Penélope is mopping up the blood with that brightly colored mop in her kitsch kitchen. That is simply amazing. Or the scenes in Cinema Paradiso or the sky scene in Mira Nair's Monsoon Wedding. The films could be shit (they aren't) and the color alone would prove their salvation. Besides I have always love India, there is a certain je ne sais quoi about it. Perhaps I just prefer it to China.

There are fireworks going off outside my window... it is strange... I don't think there are any British holidays this time of year. I wen to a market today with my room mate. They may have fired off fire works, but they are not coming from that direction.

So, what else..? I want to write something more but I I do not know what you might find interesting...

Ha, so it was thanksgiving.. pffft. Holidays defiantly under the category of things I do not understand about the human race. First there is the whole family element to it all, then there is the celebration of a non event. Thanksgiving never reall happened the way we remember it. Holidays such as this are never about what they are really about what they are about. Its a shame we need special days to remind us to care about such obscure things as each other, but such is the case with the human race. It is truly a shame.

I still have this bottle of absinth, about two thirds of it to be exact. I have decided to try to see if it still has some potency after they removed all the wormwood. So far nothing. I am increasingly drunk but it is a regular drunk nothing special. I am not a big fan of drugs, besides caffeine, alcohol and nicotine(no longer!). Its just that I feel as if it is something I should do, absinth that is. An absolute let down. I am going to see some short films later tonight, I guess now I really nothing to write about...


I have been listing to this song almost non stop since I saw the The Darjeeling Limited